It’s good. It’s alright.
We’re getting closer and closer each day.
And I love you. I really do. It’s not really as visible as I might feel but it’s there.
You are one amazing guy and you’ve done nothing but care for me.
God knows how many times I have heard, ‘Why you acting like this?’. The painful part is I just can’t give you an answer. I just can’t put into words how I feel.
It’s a bit hard to be responsible for someone else’s happiness and I hate hurting you. I want you to be happy. I really do.
I am not doing it on purpose, you have to believe me.
I am sorry for all those sleepless nights of yours caused by me.
It’s just that sometimes I feel like being distant.
I feel like not talking.
I need a moment. It’s not you and it’s not even me. God knows what is it all this about.
It’s like recharging but on a whole new level. It’s kind of paradoxical. I am making myself feel better by beating myself down.
I even feel like shit for making you feel like shit. I know you get worried when I don’t text back. I know you have trouble falling asleep without my goodnight text.
I know… I know…
I never said this out loud, but somehow I have the courage to write it down now.
My anxiety is killing me. But not outside. I am fine on the outside. It’s just that I am pushing you away and that’s the last thing I want to do. That is the most hurtful thing happening now in my life.
I just can’t escape the feeling it’s all gonna end too fast. I’ll just wake up and you won’t be there. You wouldn’t be the first one, you know.
That’s the reason I am afraid to get attached to you.
(Because) You might leave.
You might not like the way I really am.
You might get scared. Just like I am.
Babe, I have seen too much in my life.
If we put all relationships on the scale, the side with unhappier ones will prevail. You know I am right. It’s just how it is.
There are no happy relationships. There is always something that is pinching us like a stone in our shoe.
The problem is I have finally managed to be happy on my own. After years of searching for happiness in someone else, I learned that I am the source of my happiness. Me and only me.
I grew up into this confident person who’s always smiling and one could argue that I am the happiest person alive. It’s just that I’ve learned to be thankful for the little things and finally see how many gifts have I gotten so far in life. I decided to accept them and be grateful to God for it.
I wasn’t always like this. Actually, I am surprised by this new version of me. I would dare to bet you that you would never fall for the old me.
I was just hurt by the painful marriage of my parents and then far worse by their divorce. They didn’t get their ‘happily ever after,’ so how could I?
When you believe somebody you love might not respect you or might start acting careless, it gets painful. It cut your womb alive. It’s almost painful to endure that amount of pain. That’s why you had the chance to find me curled up in my bed with a pillow on my face. Don’t panic, it’s just me crying myself to sleep.
You see, I am afraid to give myself in. I know it could be amazing, but I just don’t feel like giving up my happiness just yet.
You might act like my father did.
You might leave.
You might care for the others more than you care for me.
You might become ruthless.
You might forget everything I ever meant to you and start humiliating me.
What would I do then?
With what would I be left?
I promised to try. And I’m trying. I just need some time to let myself get used to you, to get used to the idea that you love me more than I love myself (although that’s not so hard). Loving me more than I love myself is way too easy, but loving me is hard and sometimes I think it’s the hardest thing there is.
I have only one request: don’t give up on me. Please.
(Because) I am worthy.
I know how to love.
I’d die for you.
But more importantly, I’d live for you.
We’ll get there. Eventually.
Just hang on to me.