A long time ago, I dreamed of having a perfect man by my side—a knight on a white horse. He had to be perfect. He had to be beautiful, charming, funny, and hardworking—he had to have everything I deserve. As I grew older, I realized that I’m never going to meet the man I was dreaming about. I know I deserve a man like that, but I know that I have settled for less. It’s not that I don’t love you because I do, really. It’s just that I have the feeling that I deserve so much more.
Is that wrong for me to say? Am I a horrible person for wanting that?
Probably, some people will say “yes” to these questions, but I don’t agree. I’ve realized that I have only one life to live and during that life, why wouldn’t I have only the best— I know that I deserve it.
Sadly, I have to tell you that I deserve so much more than you give me. I have to finally break the silence.
I deserve it because I’m the only one in our family who actually gives a sh*t for ‘little things’ such as: how to put food on the table, how to run a household along with work and finishing my master’s degree, how to make sure that our baby has everything he needs.
I deserve it because I sacrifice my free time and most importantly, the time with my son. I don’t see him at all because I’m always on the go. I miss my baby boy. And what is that you’re giving me?—Nothing! You are taking my son away from me by not helping me to make our life decent. I need to do that all by myself.
I deserve it because I’ve put up with your s**t for far too long. I’ve been by your side while you were giving me nothing but meaningless words and empty promises. I foolishly believed you believe in that crap that is coming out of your mouth.
I deserve it because while you are sitting at home doing nothing, I’m working and trying hard to make something out of my and my son’s life. I’m so exhausted that I’ve lost weight all out of a sudden—I’m physically starting to fall apart. And I don’t have to tell you that my body is only following the state of my mind.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in this s**t now and I have to find a way to make it work. I need to do it because of my baby—not because of you. You are not a good partner and because of it, you are not a good father, and I don’t want my son growing up with you as his role model. He, as well, deserves so much more.
There is only one thing that keeps bothering me. Are you aware of the fact that I’m much more than you deserve? Are you aware of the fact that you have hit the Jackpot? Are you aware that no other woman would put up with your behavior?
You’re so lucky to have me, to have us. You just don’t see it yet. Your eyes are closed because you don’t want to face life. You don’t want to face responsibilities. Our boy made you grow up and you don’t like it. Well, he made me grow up, too. But, unlike you, I’m ready to sacrifice everything just to provide a happy life for him. Even it means I have to leave you.
Neither of us deserves a man like you by our side, but despite that, I’m still here. I’m still giving you a chance to love the way I deserve. To love us.
I don’t know why I do it. Maybe I’m just lacking the courage to leave you—maybe I have nowhere to go. But you can be sure of one thing. I will never stop fighting, even if that means I have to fight you.