I thought you just needed more time. I thought you were just scared of love. That you might be carrying some emotional baggage from the past that turned you into someone who is so close and so distant at the same time. I thought my love will make you lover down those titanium walls you have built around your heart.
So I made it my life’s mission to help you. I figured it was up to me to make all the efforts. That I had to do my best to show you how things could be if you just gave us a chance. So I called first. I texted first. I made plans for us to meet. I did everything I could just to spend time with you. I chased after you like you were the only man on the planet.
And for me, you really were the only one. I felt that we were so close and connected, that we get one another on some deeper level. I felt like I knew everything you had been through, like I had known your deepest fears and I became the most understanding woman on Earth. But that was part of the problem—I was too understanding.
I understood when you cancelled our plans at the last minute. I made peace with the fact that everything and everyone came before me. I accepted that I was the only one making efforts and investing in whatever we had going on. You didn’t seem to mind.
You loved being chased after. You loved all the affection and attention I was showering you with. You loved that you could tell me everything and I would listen. You loved knowing I would be there no matter what. You loved all of it but you didn’t love me.
You encouraged me chasing after you because you enjoyed all the drama. You enjoyed the fact that my feelings towards you were written all over my face. It boosted your fragile ego. It also made me a perfect target for playing games. It was easier to create all the drama. It was easier to go away knowing you will always find me standing right where you left me, welcoming you back.
But your games and your emotional unavailability were the things that made me see the real you. They made me stop the chase. That emptiness of unrequited feelings slowed me down and eventually made me give up on the idea that there could ever be ‘us’.
Needless to say that my dignity was dead and buried after all of it. But I didn’t care at the beginning. I put my pride aside and I went after you because my heart was leading me in that direction. Looking back at it now, I know it wasn’t one of my shiniest moments. But at least I tried. I was brave enough to follow my heart do whatever it took to be with you.
My heart led me in a wrong direction—that’s true. But it also showed me that you were never the one for me. You were never worth my time. You weren’t worth all the extra miles I was going. You weren’t worth my tears. You surely weren’t worth my bruised self-esteem.
The wrong path taught me the most valuable lessons. I guess you learn the most from your mistakes. That’s why you were one of my biggest lessons. You taught me that love should never be chased. Love is something that flows in the same direction. Love is running towards someone who is running towards you and meeting them halfway.
So all in all, chasing you might have been a mistake, but it wasn’t for nothing because it made me realize love should never be chased. It made me never chase after anybody else either because love should be like breathing—natural and effortless. Love is something I would never have had if I had kept on chasing you.