We could have had the happily ever after.
It was my fault. Everyone warned me not to meddle with you. Everyone warned me that if I play with fire, I will get burnt.
But I didn’t listen. I was full of myself. I knew what I was getting into. I heard those warnings, but I decided to ignore them.
I thought that I was so special. I believed I could turn you around. I believed I could change you. I loved you, and it was my decision and no one else’s. I loved you although I knew I shouldn’t.
When we met, there was something about you that captured me. You were ice cold and mysterious, and I was dying to find out what was beneath that harsh exterior of yours.
I was dying to find out if somewhere deep inside, there was a soft heart capable of love. I wanted to reveal the love I thought you were saving for someone special. It turned out that wasn’t me after all.
If it were for me, this would have ended completely differently. But sadly, no one asked me. I fell in love with you, and I wanted to give you everything I had. I wanted to love you for the rest of my life, until Death knocked on my door.
But your plan wasn’t quite like that. Your interior wasn’t as soft as I thought or maybe it was, but I never managed to find a way to it. I never succeeded in breaking down that ice coldness of yours—you never let me.
There was a way; there was this one scenario in which we could have been together. But, that scenario would have erased me as I am from the face of the Earth. If I had wanted to be with you, I would have had to become someone I’m not.
The more my love for you grew, the more I changed.
So, I gave up. I gave up before I failed to recognize myself.
I never wanted to leave. I still cope with the fact that I have to live my life without you. I’m still trying to understand why things had to end this way.
I loved you, but I realized that I love myself more. I realized that if I stayed with you, I would have to destroy myself. And even with the cost of letting you go, I had to look out for myself. I had to do what was best for me.
Because I didn’t want to wake up one morning and regret that I chose you. I didn’t want to feel that I’d betrayed myself.
The day I left was the hardest day of my life.
I didn’t feel like I was winning because the truth is you didn’t deserve me, and I knew that. I wasn’t happy that I was finally free.
You know why?
Because we were so close to being ‘forever’.
Just a small effort on your part, just a tiny bit of will to make things better, to work on yourself to change for the better would have been enough for me. It would have given me a reason to stay.
That’s why I felt defeated and sad. I took you, I fell for you, but I failed to make you better.
I know that people say not to even go there, not to even try to change someone. But, you didn’t need changing. You just needed someone to help you release that side of you which you buried deep inside.
That person wasn’t me. And I really sincerely hope that one day you’ll meet her.
When I told you I was leaving, I couldn’t believe my own ears. I couldn’t accept that what I was saying was true. I wanted to take back all the things I had just said. I wanted to hug you and let you say it’s going to be alright.
But I knew that even if I do and you do, we would keep going around in circles. I would be calm and happy until one day, I would want to tell you I’m leaving again.
But, I guess what I wanted to say from the beginning is that we could have been timeless. We could have been ‘forever’.
I wanted to.
But you never asked.