What you did to me is beyond words. You hurt me in more than one way and you did some unthinkable things to me. You caused me more pain than anyone else in my life and that is something I have no doubt about. You were hurting me throughout our entire relationship and you continued doing so even after you walked away from me.
And that is something you and I both know, no matter how hard you tried to deny it. You were never ready to take full responsibility for your actions and you always tried to blame me for everything wrong in our relationship. It was obvious that you tried really hard not to accept the fact that you broke me to pieces. You tried to run away from the fact that you’d ruined all that could have been ruined of me. Because you could never face the intensity of the pain you put me through. You could never live with yourself if you knew what you really did to me because you would be eaten alive by all the guilt.
But despite this, the truth remains unchanged. You left deep emotional wounds on my heart and soul, which turned into scars in time. And those scars will haunt me for as long as I live. They became a part of me and something that defines me. They’ve become my cross, my burden and something I will have to live with as long as I breathe.
But the worst part is that you tried to accuse me of never suffering for you, as if that was a bad thing, even if it was the truth. When you were walking away from me, you tried to put all the blame on me and you were never ready to take on at least a part of it as your fault. Instead, you walked away from me, telling me that this was what I wanted to happen to us all along.
Because you couldn’t see any pain on my face. There were no tears coming from my eyes. For the first time ever, I wasn’t screaming or yelling. I wasn’t begging you not to leave me and I wasn’t accusing you of all the things you did to me. Instead, there was only numbness and emptiness. I stared at you blankly, like you were just a stranger to me. And you had never seen me like this.
You always knew me as a passionate woman who had a lot of emotions and who had no trouble expressing them. So I assume you didn’t know how to react to the fact that I acted indifferently for the first time ever. And you thought that I really was indifferent toward you and toward everything that had happened between us because of my reaction that day.
And that was something you couldn’t stand. Your ego couldn’t stand the fact that I just let you go without a fight. And you thought that meant you didn’t do me any harm. Or at least that was what you wanted to think.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact is that I had cried all my tears for you. I had spent years trying to understand why I wasn’t enough for you to love me. I had spent years crying for you and begging you not to leave me. I had spent years praying to God to change you, to make you a better man. And none of it worked.
And with time, I got drained and exhausted. I became numb and silent. I became empty.
But I still felt all the pain caused by you. I just built emotional walls around me and inside of me. Those around me were built for you and all the other people in my life—they were built to keep all of you out. And those walls inside of me were built for me. They kept me hidden from myself.
It was like I had become a layered person. There was this one layer buried deep inside of me and even I couldn’t reach it. There was the real me, broken into pieces, hurt and wounded.
And there was this other layer, this mask I was wearing in front of everyone, including myself. That was the mask of a woman who didn’t give a damn about anything in life. The mask of a woman who couldn’t be bothered by something irrelevant.
That is the mask I still wear. The mask I’ll continue to wear, because it’s the only thing that protects me from all the emotions buried inside of me, which I don’t think I could handle.
So no, I didn’t lose all the feelings I had for you, although that is something I would love to happen. And no, I didn’t forget the things you did to me. I just learned to live with them.