When you came into my life, I assumed you were everything I needed. And I thought we crossed each other’s paths at exactly the right moment.
But now I know I was wrong. Now I know that you were the right guy for me but that everything else was wrong. The timing was wrong, my past was wrong and most of all—I was wrong for you.
And I am sorry for that.
Pushing you away from me is something I will never forgive myself for doing. Not staying with you was the biggest mistake of my life and that is something I will never make right. I am sorry for allowing my toxic past to affect me that much and to control me.
When you entered my life, I had just gotten out of a relationship. But it wasn’t just any kind of relationship. This was a man I was certain I’d spend the rest of my life with, a man I thought I’d love forever and someone I thought was my forever person and my soulmate. But at the same time, he was the man who hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. This man was toxic to me and he kept causing me pain throughout our entire relationship and after it. He broke my heart in more than one way and he tried really hard to break me completely. He tried really hard to destroy everything I was.
And he would’ve done so f you hadn’t showed up.
But I am not here to talk to you about this man because you know all of this. I am not here to talk to you about all the pain he caused me and all the scars he left on my soul. You know all about my painful past because that was something I was always honest about to you.
When you and I first met, I told you sincerely that I wasn’t ready for something new. Although I was ashamed to admit this, I also told you that I still had feelings for my ex, despite everything he had done to me. I told you how I was struggling not to go back to my toxic ex. I was honest enough to tell you that I was carrying loads of emotional baggage, that I had serious trust issues and that you were better off without me. I told you I was damaged and that it was best for you to run away from me without hesitation.
I am here to talk to you about us—about you and me. I am here to talk about how you didn’t care about everything I’d been through. How you accepted the fact that I had some unresolved issues inside of me regarding my ex. How you never played with my mind and my insecurities and how you always thought I was more than enough. I am here to talk about the unconditional love you felt for me because that was the kind of love I had never experienced before. And I am here to talk about how I allowed that love to slip right out of my hands.
Because now I know that you were the only one who mattered. You were the one who tried to heal all the wounds this toxic man from my past left on me. You were the one who tried to pick up the broken pieces of me. You were the one who believed in me even when I had lost faith in myself.
And most of all, you were the one who loved me even when I didn’t love myself.
But sadly, I could never love you the way you deserved to be loved. And as God is my witness, I wanted to. The only thing I wanted was to love you back with the same intensity you loved me and to forget all about my toxic ex.
I knew it back then and I know it now—you were worthy of my love. I was just too damaged to let love enter my heart once again. I was too scared that you would end up hurting me the way he had hurt me.
And most of all, I was petrified I would end up hurting you the way he had hurt me. And that is something I could never forgive myself for doing and something I couldn’t stand living with.
You must think that I caused you pain by walking away from you. But trust me—I just did you a favor. I saved you from myself and from all the toxicity this man brought me. I saved you from becoming broken and damaged like me.
I just want you to know that I am deeply sorry and that none of this was your fault. I am sorry for missing my chance of being happy and I am sorry for hurting you because that was the last thing you deserved.