When I first met you, I knew we were different and I knew we looked at love from different points of view. For me, love was the most important thing in the world. It was what moved me and it was something I lived for. I was always in touch with my feelings and I had no trouble whatsoever admitting them to myself and expressing them to you or anyone else. I believed in the power and strength of love and I couldn’t imagine myself living without it.
On the other hand, you were different. You were always closed and cold, and you made it very clear you didn’t have a strong opinion of love. You always acted indifferent to people around you and you acted like there can’t exist a person you can’t live without.
Knowing that we were different, I also assumed we’d have troubles making our relationship work. But my heart refused to listen to my mind. And as much as I fought it, my heart won. So I decided to give it a try with you because I thought you were worth taking a chance on.
And I can’t say our relationship was perfect because it was far from that. We had our ups and downs. We had some good and some less good days. But I thought I’ve managed to tear down your walls and I really did think I’ve become someone special to you. I never expected much of you because I knew your limits and boundaries. And I’ve respected them.
Most importantly—I respected you. Firstly, I’ve accepted you for who you are. I knew you had your flaws and I never idealized you. But I never tried to push you into doing something you didn’t want to do. Our relationship was everything but typical, but everything went down according to your rhythm and pace. Although I can’t say that this was enough for me, I settled for it because you had other qualities. And I settled for it because I secretly hoped that you would grow to love me the way I wanted to be loved.
At least, that was what I thought.
I always appreciated you not only as my boyfriend, but first of all as a human being and as a man. For you, respect meant something different than with other people, but you always respected me more than anything. And I respected you back. You were always honest to me and that was the one quality of yours I appreciated the most. You never promised me the world. Instead, you always promised me very little and you would always outdo yourself. From the very beginning, you told me how things were and what I could expect from you. You always backed up your words with actions and that was something I appreciated the most.
I appreciated you because I thought you were different from the others. All the men in my past tried to present themselves as perfect in the beginning and they would end up disappointing me. On the contrary, you were always frank and I always knew where I stood with you. Even when the truth was harsh, you were brave enough to tell it straight to my face.
That is why I believed you when you told me you loved me. With time, you became a person I could rely on, a person I could trust my life with and the only one who had my unconditional trust. And I knew that these words had great meaning and weight for you. I thought of you as a man of his word, as a man with integrity, and I thought you would never tell me that you loved me unless you really felt it.
From that day on, everything changed. You became everything I secretly wished you’d become. You used every opportunity to show me how much you loved me and I enjoyed it. And for the first time ever, I didn’t doubt a man’s love. And it was the most beautiful feeling in the world.
Until all of a sudden, everything crashed. I don’t why you did it, but I know you left me without ever giving me a real explanation for your actions.
And that was when I realized you never loved me. Because if you had loved me, you couldn’t have hurt me this way. You couldn’t be indifferent to all the pain you caused me. And you couldn’t leave me the way you did.
That was when I realized that everything nice that happened between us was actually a lie. I realized that you were an egoistic narcissist and that you only enjoyed my love.
And that was when I lost all my respect for you as a man and as a human being. The saddest part is that you were this great, valuable man in my eyes but that was obviously only my imagination. I thought you were someone worthy of my respect and appreciation and most of all, that you were worthy of my trust, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
When I come to think of it, this was all a part of your emotional manipulation. This was all a show—and silly me bought it.