I know that I’ve been behaving like I wouldn’t take you back even if it was the last thing I did in my life. I know I’ve been giving you the impression that I’d forgotten all about you and that I left you in the past long ago. I know I’ve been treating you as if you were just a distant memory and that I’ve never given you a hint that I would want you back in my life. I know I’ve been behaving like I don’t love you and like I could never love you again.
But it’s time for me to tell you the real truth because none of this is true. The truth is that I still love you like the first day and that I assume I will never stop loving you. The truth is that I still miss you and that I will always miss you. The truth is that my life is empty without you in it and that my existence doesn’t have any meaning without you by my side. The truth is that there are days when I feel like I will go crazy if you don’t come back to me and that sometimes I feel like I can’t live without you. The truth is that there doesn’t pass a day in which I don’t think of you and in which I don’t think about getting back together with you.
The truth is that I want for us to be together again but I am scared.
When we are apart from the people we love, we all tend to remember the beautiful memories, the good things. But you have to admit that our relationship had many more bad things than good. And they were all bad for me.
And that is what I am scared of. I am scared of everything being the same as it always was, no matter how hard I wish for it to be different. I am scared that you’ll be the same as you always were, no matter how hard I wish for you to be different.
I am not scared because I am paranoid and my fears are not without reason. I am scared because of all the pain you caused me in the past and because of all the things you did to me the last time we were together.
And that is something I am not ready to go through all over again. That is something I don’t want to put myself through again and that is why I am acting the way I am.
I am scared because I don’t know why you want me back. Is it because of your ego? Is it because you’ve run out of options? Or is it because you still love me?
I am scared that things will always be the same and that you will never change your old ways. I am scared that you are lying whenever you tell me that you figured it all out and that now you understand all of your mistakes.
I am scared that you’ll continue being the same a**hole you were when we were together. I am scared that you’ll make me beg for your love and attention and that you will once again put me at the bottom of your priority list.
I am scared that you won’t put any effort into our relationship and that I will be the only one keeping everything from falling apart. I am scared that you will continue taking me for granted as soon as I give you another chance.
I am scared that I will again go through all the same humiliations I went through already. I am scared that I won’t be enough for you, the same way I was never enough.
I am scared that you will ruin my self-confidence again and that you will destroy everything about myself that I built since we have not been together. I am scared that you will make me question myself and my worth.
But most of all, I am scared that you will never love me the way I love you and that you will never treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I am scared because deep down, I know you are not the man for me.
And I am scared of myself around you because I don’t know how much longer I will be able to control these emotions that are overwhelming me.