From the day we met, we were both honest with each other. We were obviously extremely attracted to one another and that s*xual or physical attraction was the only thing that put us together. Consequently, we decided that our relationship would be purely s*xual. We decided that neither of us would ever try to make something more out of it because this was enough for both of us.
You know, I saw myself in you the moment I met you. I was scared of love and terrified of commitment and I just wanted someone to realize that. I wanted to have a partner who wouldn’t push me into something I didn’t want just because it was more socially acceptable. I didn’t want a real relationship and I was always very clear about that.
And so were you. You were the same as me and we were so happy we had found each other. In time, I can say we became friends. We slowly started opening our souls up to each other without the fear of being judged. And I liked what I saw in you. This may sound strange but I liked the way that you were damaged in the same way as I was. Around you, I didn’t feel broken or different to others. And even if I was, for the first time ever, I felt accepted.Although we were nothing more than a ‘thing’, the truth is that you felt like home for me. Although I refused to admit it, with time, your arms became my sanctuary and the only place I felt I was at peace with myself. And that is something nobody else could accomplish in a long time.
I know that I said that we never lied to each other but I have to admit that I did lie to you. I have been lying to you every time I told you how great this arrangement is for me and how I am more than fine with the way things are now.
I know that we said we don’t plan on committing to each other or to anyone else in a million years but the truth is that I would be more than happy to commit to you. I know I was the first one to tell you that I was not ready to tear down my walls for anyone and that I am perfectly fine living my life on my own but lately I’ve changed my mind.
All of a sudden, I am not scared anymore. All of a sudden, I know I’ve found someone I could picture myself sharing a life with. All of a sudden, I am ready to let someone in, I am ready to put my guard down and I am ready to tear down my walls.
I know that we said we wouldn’t include our emotions in all of this. But I guess I just couldn’t help it. I thought I would be able to separate my body from my heart but obviously that wasn’t an option. I didn’t choose to have these feelings, they just happened to me and this is me trying to deal with them in the best possible way. I know I pretended for a long time to be this tough girl who didn’t have any emotions but it’s time for me to take this mask off and admit to both of us that I am actually a sensitive woman and that I did get attached to you, despite everything we agreed on.
It’s time I admit that it became hard for me not to tell you that I have deeper feelings for you.
It’s time I admit that I suffer every time you don’t stay the night, every time you don’t hold my hand in public or every time you tell people I’m your friend. That I am going crazy, thinking that you might meet another woman, a woman who will want a real relationship with you from the start and that I will lose you forever.
I know I am breaking our deal and I assume that this is the last thing you expected to ever hear from me but this is me confessing my love for you. I am not doing this to force you into deciding anything, I am doing it because I can’t live with it anymore. I am doing it because I’ve had enough of acting and pretending that I don’t care. Because I do. And I really hope you have the same feelings as me.