Sitting and crying. That’s what I’ve been doing for most of my days lately. Thoughts flying around in my head and a never-ending burden in my chest telling me that I am hurting and expecting you to change it. Will you?
I’m writing you this because of the fact that a conversation never worked. You were never actually listening to what I was saying and even if you were listening, you simply didn’t care enough to help me fight for this relationship.
I wouldn’t say that you’re selfish, just that you don’t know better than that. This might be me always defending you and finding an excuse for your behaviour, but I’m also the person who loves you the most. That’s why I always find a way to forgive you. Being selfish would mean that there’s no one more important to you than yourself, which would make you a narcissist, right? But I see the way you care for people around you and how you can impact them.
The question I have for you now is: why don’t you care about me?
Am I really that difficult to love? I didn’t expect diamonds and stars from the sky. I expected love, appreciation and a hug here and there. Your raised voice and your disrespecting behaviour made me believe that I don’t mean anything to you, but you still get mad when I ask you if you love me.
For the first time ever, I am really mad. I am mad because of the way you treat me and this silent treatment makes me feel abandoned and abused. It makes me feel like I have done something wrong although it was nothing more than a desperate attempt to talk with you.
My love, you’re losing me.
You’re losing the only woman who was ever able to understand you and be there for you completely. You’re losing the only woman who gave you enough space to grow and chase your dreams—all because I want the best for you. Can’t you see that? Don’t you want to see that?
Do you care about the tears I cry because of you? The facial expression you make when I’m crying tells me that you are looking through me and not even realising that my cheeks are wet and that my mind is clouded with emotions. You are not able to see the pain you inflict on me.
You’re losing me. For the past few days, every day it’s getting harder to hold on to you and what we have. The memories of the good times and a kiss on the forehead won’t make it all great again when days go by that we spend together and you still can’t bother to come up to me for just one hug.
Don’t just stand there asking me why I’m still with you, but remember the things that we went through together and the things that made us both smile. Remember all those things that made me believe that you were my soulmate and the one who will love me until the end of our time. When you remember all those things, please choose to keep on fighting. Because if you don’t, I’ll be the one who’ll give up on us.
You’re losing me so obviously. The signs are everywhere—,in the way I hug you and the way I have stopped talking to you. Everyone else has noticed it except you. You really don’t care at all? Or do you just choose to say nothing?
I won’t be able to continue this for much longer. This torture that’s becoming my own death. Even if I could, I think that I respect myself enough not to stay in this relationship that doesn’t serve me anything but disappointment and misery.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love you. I love you so much that my heart sometimes bursts out of joy that I am human and I am able to love this much. But I love myself more. If I am not happy, if I am not able to feel loved and appreciated in the company of the man who means everything to me, than I don’t know why should I stay any longer.
It’s starting to get obvious that you don’t want me there. It doesn’t matter what your words say. The ‘I love you’ that’s coming out of your mind is a huge contradiction to your yelling and disrespect, and the way you push me away when I am trying to come closer.
Are you going to do something about it? Because I am not able to hold on much longer. You’re losing me.