You treated me like s**t and there is no doubt about that.
Of course, you and I had some beautiful moments, days and memories. There were times when you made me feel like I was on top of the world and as if I could do anything if you were by my side, holding my hand.
There were times when I thought that what you were feeling for me was true love and that nobody could ever love me the way you did.
But let’s face it—our relationship was bad most of the time.
Actually, you treated me bad most of the time. You were horrible to me—you used every opportunity to diminish me in any way possible, you insulted me and you never appreciated me.
You were selfish and your ego was the most important thing to you.
You were a man who never put me first and a man who never took my needs into consideration.
You were a man who was never able to compromise and who was never ready to take responsibility for his words and actions, because your ego simply couldn’t stand that.
The truth is that you emotionally manipulated me most of the time.
You were constantly trying to convince me that everything wrong was exclusively my fault and you were constantly implying that I wasn’t good enough for you. You were telling me that you could do better and that I should beg for your love because I should be grateful for having you by my side.
When I come to think of it, you ruined my life or at least, the part of my life I spent with you.
But despite all of this, silly me never had the courage to leave you. I was always too weak to walk away from you.
I was convinced that I would literally die without you by my side and that my life would have no meaning whatsoever if you and I weren’t together.
So with time, I accepted the situation between us as normal. I accepted to be beneath you and I somehow got used to our relationship.
I got used to the pain, thinking that was what things should be like.
I gave up on trying to change things and trying to change you.
Instead, I put all my focus on trying to keep you by my side because I was convinced that you were the only one keeping me alive, although you were actually the one spiritually killing me.
I didn’t ask anything of you—-I stopped asking for your love and attention and I stopped asking for different treatment, because I saw that all of my efforts to make a difference were in vain.
I just wanted you to stay.
And you couldn’t do even that.
And that is my biggest defeat.
It wasn’t the fact that I was putting up with you emotionally abusing me, with you not loving me and with you taking advantage of me. It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t have enough courage to be the one to walk away from you.
When you left me, everyone might have assumed that I was relieved. At least, that was what I should have felt.
After all, I was finally free from emotional abuse and I got rid of my abuser, of the person who made my life harder and the person who was doing everything he could to destroy me in every way possible.
But the truth was completely different.
I am ashamed to admit it but I wanted you back. I was heartbroken and I was ready to do whatever it took just to have you back.
My biggest defeat is the fact that I wanted you to stay, despite all of this.
It’s the fact that I was ready to put up with you and everything you were doing to me, that I was ready to spend the rest of my life in misery, feeling humiliated, unloved and unappreciated, just to have you by my side.
It’s the fact that I tried to keep you around, even after you were the one who decided to call it quits.
It’s the fact that I loved you for so long even after you left me and that I prayed for you to come back, without any hope of things ever getting better between us.
It’s the fact that I thought that all that I’d been through was worthy of having you around.
It’s the fact that I thought you were worthy of me loving you more than I’ve ever loved myself.