For a long time now, I’ve been aware of the fact that you never really loved me. At least, you never loved me the way I loved you and the way I deserved to be loved.
And I thought I would finally be at peace with myself once I accepted this.
But sadly, I’ve had other dilemmas as well.
For a long time, I had a lot of trouble understanding your emotions for me. Because I know that despite everything that went on between us, you were never indifferent toward me.
But did you ever love me at all? Have you ever felt true love toward me? Or was it always something less than that?
These are the questions which have been bothering me for a while now. Because I could never tell who the real you was and what your real feelings were.
There were times when I had no doubts about your love for me. Those were the moments when you were ready to do anything in your power, just to express your feelings for me.
And then there were times when you acted like you couldn’t care less about me. Those were the moments in which you acted like I wasn’t important to you and as if I didn’t exist in your life.
Naturally, all of this was leaving me confused, without ever knowing what to think of your emotions and about our relationship.
And then, after a while, it hit me. You did love me. You loved me in a way that was never enough for me but you loved me in your own characteristic way.
The truth is that you never loved me completely and you never accepted me for who I was as a complete individual. Instead, you wanted to have just the parts you liked, without being ready to handle the entire package.
It is natural that you preferred my good side over the bad one but you can’t choose what parts of a person you are getting.
And that is exactly what you were trying to do all along. You were trying to dissect me and take the parts of me which were beneficial and good for you.
I know you preferred to have a smiling girlfriend who always enjoyed herself and who was fun to be around. You wanted someone who was always in the mood for adventure and a girl who was constantly looking for ways to have a good time.
You didn’t want a nervous and emotional girl with a complicated mind. You didn’t want a grumpy girl who would nag about the little things and a girl who would sometimes fight with you without any apparent reason.
You wanted a girl who would always be by your side, a girl who would always have the energy to deal with your problems and issues. A girl who would always have your back and who would always defend you in front of everyone else.
You didn’t want a girl with her own problems and issues, looking for advice from you. You didn’t want someone who needed your support.
You wanted a girl who was always looking her best and who didn’t mind spending all day in a cocktail dress and wearing high heels. A girl who always had flawless make-up and hair.
You didn’t want a girl who came home from work, tired and with swollen feet. You didn’t want a girl who had bad breath in the morning and who would look forward to the weekend, so she could spend it in her pajamas or sweatpants.
Well, what you couldn’t understand is that I am both of these girls, combined in one. What you didn’t want to see is that my personality is made out of all these qualities and flaws and that you can’t dissect me, turning me into two people.
What you couldn’t understand is that you could never dissect me or cut me into two pieces, the way you wanted.
You couldn’t choose what part of me you were getting, because I’ve always been an ‘all or nothing at all’ kind of gal.
You can’t love just the parts of me you like and you definitely can’t disregard the parts you don’t like.
And that is exactly what you were trying to do all along.