Meet a person who corresponds to our “type”. Begin a romantic relationship with the latter. Separate. Meet another person of this “type”. Begin a romantic relationship. Before separating. And so on: this “sentimental scheme”, although a priori unenviable, is the lot of many individuals.

Zone of comfort and sentimental charity

The constant search for a certain comfort would push us to maintain this negative spiral, according to Abby Rodman, American psychotherapist. “We are always drawn to what we know, even if we are aware that this is not the best option,” he told the Chicago Tribune .

In “Freedom of Toxic Relations”, the psychologist Avril Carruthers advances a second reason. “Many people say they are attracted to” problem “people, so they feel the need to help them, to take them on their wing,” she writes. “We are putting – and losing – a lot of energy, and we are no longer focusing on our own needs.” When one refocuses on oneself, it is already too late.

Complementarity and legacy of childhood

Sometimes, too, we look for a partner with different (if not opposite) characteristics to ours. The goal is to “use” it to fill our personal shortcomings. Thus, “it happens that introverted people seek someone extrovert” , takes for example Resmaa Menakem, “counselor for couples”.

Habits that are often contracted from childhood, according to Abby Rodman, for whom “the models of relationships that we have known as children influence our later sentimental choices” .

An assertion he illustrates as follows: If, during childhood, your father was rarely home, you are likely to be attracted to an emotionally (or physically) absent partner.

Break the spiral

The first, “hardest” step, Avril Carruthers concedes, is to become aware of the repetition of her “identical” failures. “Then you have to get rid of the fear of meeting someone” different. “Do not doubt that you deserve a better relationship,” she continues. “Attractiveness for certain” types “often comes from unconscious factors, give yourself a period of reflection before you re-engage.” With another “guy” this time. (AV)

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